Every day the phone rings or someone expects to talk to me about something. Some days I just can't talk outside of meeting with people, talking to the bus driver, other people who stop and converse, etc. This is my world. All attempts to try to fake it til I make it when it comes to talking seem to fail. I try to use humor, I try to do positive things, and always someone wants more of what I feel I don't have, or that I actually do have yet is a very painful thing to give.
Because of the importance of the spoken word, sometimes I would prefer not to be on this world. Sometimes the choice of being selfish and wanting to breathe and wanting to connect with others and feel I'm losing precious air, is a decision I am unable to make for the good of others.
For some reason, the more I talk to people, even in really wonderful and enjoyable conversations, in the aftermath I find myself wanting to vow to never talk to anyone again. It's not at all about the person, the people, the topic of conversation. It's about the exhaustion and pain that comes with trying to keep focused on the use of speech while I try to balance breathing.
"You sound so good!" people say. And truly I am so very grateful for that. I just wish there wasn't the constant pain and battle to talk and breathe. Some people tell me I'm lucky that I have a chair because it makes my disability visible. Well, not everything is visible. It's not that I can't communicate at all, so it's not a disability. It is just not the method that people expect or want. So I continue on because I want to connect, I love people... friends, colleagues, family, I love connections! I just wish that verbal conversation were as easy or most comfortable for me so that other people wouldn't be hurt by my inability to be available by phone very often.
I am going to work harder at providing other people the communication that they want and deserve. It's a little scary writing this here, but sometimes I think it's important to be more public in that it is not about any individual person. It is simply that speaking is not my friend anymore. I've come a long way in the past 2 years, and probably had I realized the impact that this would have on life and on relationships, I never would have gone ahead and gotten the trach.
I have, and I must be grateful for breathing.
I would however give anything to be what and who others want and need. I am not. It is sad, it's not horrible, it's just rather sad.
For me, silence and breathing are a blessing and gift. For others, my gift can be painful, and for that reason I will push forward to give more and speak more, because every person matters, not only me.
I'll push on in hopes that I can hold up to this effort, at least some of the time.
I suppose it's part of the pain of gifts and blessings.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Hip-Hip-Hooray ... It's a Lousy Day!
Fixing it the Dog Training Way
So you wake up and realize it is a terrible health day! You get up and do the minimal and everything goes wrong, and you decide to go back to bed. UGH!
Whoa! Wait a minute! When things fall apart sometimes the opposite is the best solution. Let's take this situation on, the "dog training way".
1. Back up a step
2. Look at your plan/strategy
3. What? You didn't have a plan?
4. Well then, there you go, you build one!
We can walk through this one step at a time.
Here is one example:
After three wonderful days of learning and activities, and realizing I'd averaged one meal a day for three days laced with peanut snacks, it was a crash day! I headed back to bed realizing bed wasn't going to fix it, I needed to get out of the house and get some fresh air.
The food I had planned for breakfast to help get me back on track had already been consumed and the other options were, well, let's just say I would not have been in a better state nutritionally. "Darn! I guess I'll have to go to the store." Yuck, the store on a day feeling like this and having to be polite and talk to people (oxygen depleted)? "Go back to bed!" said the bird in my head!
Not the answer after a three day poor nutrition pattern. So I built my plan and how I would make it through and feel great.
Goal of a plan:
To build for success, and know what step to back up to if necessary.
To build for success, and know what step to back up to if necessary.
Be proactive instead of reactive.
(This is the part that's the "Dog Training Way")
(This is the part that's the "Dog Training Way")
1. communicating with nice store personnel
A. find a way to respond with appreciation without using my voice: wink, smile and the "ok" hand signal
B. find a way to respond to people offering help that may not be needed: smile and "no thanks" head nod
C. leave jacket unzipped: people can see the trach filter and probably won't ask for more details if not needed, keeping talking to a minimum.
C. leave jacket unzipped: people can see the trach filter and probably won't ask for more details if not needed, keeping talking to a minimum.
2. Dealing with the shopping cart, to stay pain-free and frustration free
A. Keep the shopping cart at my side instead of trying to push and pull it.
B. Leave the shopping cart at the end of the aisle and bring food to it.
B. Leave the shopping cart at the end of the aisle and bring food to it.
i. plenty of room at the end for the cart beside me (in chair)
ii. other people able to pass by comfortably
ii. other people able to pass by comfortably
3. The Check Out
A. Let cashier know I need help with unloading cart: choose the least number of words. Smile & Wave.
B. Let cashier know I'll be loading the items myself into my backpack: choose least number of words. Smile & Wave.
B. Let cashier know I'll be loading the items myself into my backpack: choose least number of words. Smile & Wave.
4. Load the groceries myself... yikes!
A. Try and then ask for help if needed.
These were the results of the plan:
1. communicating with nice store personnel
A. find a way to respond with appreciation without using my voice: wink, smile and the "ok" hand signal
Perfect! In fact when they would pass me after I had responded, they just nodded and smiled as well!
B. find a way to respond to people offering help that may not be needed: smile and the hand wave that says "no problem"
Perfect! I smiled, with the head nod of "no". You know, when you use that head nod and Smile, people see that it's a positive!
C. leave jacket unzipped: people can see the trach filter and probably won't ask for more details if not needed, keeping talking to a minimum.
I think it helped.
2. Dealing with the shopping cart, to stay pain-free and frustration free
A. Keep the shopping cart at my side instead of trying to push and pull it.
Kept head pressure to a minimum, so helped maintain the stamina that I did have.
B. Leave the shopping cart at the end of the aisle and bring food to it.
i. plenty of room at the end for the cart beside me (in chair)
ii. other people able to pass by comfortably
ii. other people able to pass by comfortably
Worked on all accounts! And only lost my shopping cart once (cart handler error). Made a little sign for the cart so it wouldn't be swooped up and items returned to shelves.
3. The Check Out
A. Let cashier know I need help with unloading cart: choose the least number of words. Smile & Wave.
B. Let cashier know I'll be loading the items myself into my backpack: choose least number of words. Smile & Wave.
Took my time with the few words, and smiled! Great!
4. Load the groceries myself... yikes!
A. Try and then ask for help if needed.
VOILA! I had saved so much energy and oxygen by communicating less vocally to people that I had plenty of energy and oxygen to load every item purchased independently... which in turn, meant I got some exercise!
What I was not prepared with however, was a grocery list. And to tell you the truth this was one of the best things that I did (or didn't do). What I found was that since I wasn't feeling well, the things that I probably would have grabbed up would be fast prepared food that is often lacking in nutrients. and NONE of those foods looked appealing to me at all! Wound up with lots of fresh fruits, veggies, and found some good option frozen foods. I looked over the items in my cart before heading to the check out and actually found a few things that did not look good to me at all and returned them.
My shopping trip was almost two hours, however going at a time when not many people were there, and leaving my cart at a location of ease I found it was easier to go in my own time.
In fact the trip was so successful and felt so great that when I got onto the bus, I was daydreaming.
OOPS! Missed my stop! UGH!..
No problem...
It's a sunny day, my chair still has juice and I can take the stress-free side streets.
Got home, backed my chair up to the fridge and unloaded all immediately!
blog it while it's fresh in my mind, and now heading for a rest.
And will blend myself a smoothie as soon as I wake up!
Morals of the story are:
1. Planning makes a difference in communication and success!
2. You don't have to be full to go shopping effectively, and it helps if you're in a state of mind that the food that is appealing to you is healthy food!
So what might you need or want to accomplish that you keep putting off or avoid?
You might be able to accomplish it successfully and have it even be enjoyable!
If you aren't sure where to begin, check out "Impromptu Prompts" and inquire how these prompts might help you out!
Friday, November 6, 2009
Making it Easier to Be Green
"It's a sense of "I can" that empowers us to do things that help us expand into the aliveness that is calling every single one of us. If you and I are breathing, life itself is calling to us to expand, to grow, to become, to give, to live fully in this day." ~ Mary Morrissey
I've been fumbling through the week, with a strong spirit and weak body. Spirit saying "I can!" while body's screeching "halt!" Topped today off with a speech therapy session seeming hopeless. Making the decision to go outdoors and wait for the LIFT bus was a wise one. The crispness of the air helped to connect my spirit and body in a needed way.
All of this cognitive stuff is mind boggling. LOL! More and more I am aware that tools are so helpful for my success. Therefore also for the success of the projects I set out to do and the people interactions that are a part of it all.
"A great practice is to simply say ‘up until now I haven't been able to, but starting now I am going to look for ways I can.’" ~Mary Morrissey
ew... ah! "ways I can"... feeling it now.
Been such a struggle with trying to be "normal" .. I know, don't think in terms of "normal", yada yada. However, it can be way too distressing to try to appear that all is fine while sliding into the heap pile.
So the other day I said to a friend, "hey... can I share a little something with you?" and I did. It was a small silly ditty of a challenge of mine, and it let out a huge relief for both of us! There are some things that are relatively small challenges, however with energy spent trying to cover them up, often 5 things will go awry. So sharing just 3 simple things, we had this truly great conversation about all of these miscommunication between us and spent almost 10 solid minutes in hysterical laughter. What a very simple "way" to say/see I "can"!
Yet in a world where we profess that differences are okay, and then those differences are problematic because they are non-traditional ways of doing things, it creates a quandary. The inner struggle of keeping it all hidden as it seems to be growing, seems so counterproductive. Truly folks.. IT IS HILARIOUS if you can just get over the absurdities!
I'm going to have to let go of the proclaimed acceptances and just be me. It's far too damning and destructive to try to build outward bridges, when the inward ones are crumbling. I know that for some this will be unacceptable, and so be it. There is a certain sense of "professionalism" that must be maintained at all costs in the streamline.
"I can" and I'll be utilizing a few new ways in my "canning" process.
After I wrote this I went to FB feed. A friend shares this youTube... India Arie - Beautiful Flower
Letting go, so "I can"!...
"just sayin' "
I've been fumbling through the week, with a strong spirit and weak body. Spirit saying "I can!" while body's screeching "halt!" Topped today off with a speech therapy session seeming hopeless. Making the decision to go outdoors and wait for the LIFT bus was a wise one. The crispness of the air helped to connect my spirit and body in a needed way.
All of this cognitive stuff is mind boggling. LOL! More and more I am aware that tools are so helpful for my success. Therefore also for the success of the projects I set out to do and the people interactions that are a part of it all.
"A great practice is to simply say ‘up until now I haven't been able to, but starting now I am going to look for ways I can.’" ~Mary Morrissey
ew... ah! "ways I can"... feeling it now.
Been such a struggle with trying to be "normal" .. I know, don't think in terms of "normal", yada yada. However, it can be way too distressing to try to appear that all is fine while sliding into the heap pile.
So the other day I said to a friend, "hey... can I share a little something with you?" and I did. It was a small silly ditty of a challenge of mine, and it let out a huge relief for both of us! There are some things that are relatively small challenges, however with energy spent trying to cover them up, often 5 things will go awry. So sharing just 3 simple things, we had this truly great conversation about all of these miscommunication between us and spent almost 10 solid minutes in hysterical laughter. What a very simple "way" to say/see I "can"!
Yet in a world where we profess that differences are okay, and then those differences are problematic because they are non-traditional ways of doing things, it creates a quandary. The inner struggle of keeping it all hidden as it seems to be growing, seems so counterproductive. Truly folks.. IT IS HILARIOUS if you can just get over the absurdities!
I'm going to have to let go of the proclaimed acceptances and just be me. It's far too damning and destructive to try to build outward bridges, when the inward ones are crumbling. I know that for some this will be unacceptable, and so be it. There is a certain sense of "professionalism" that must be maintained at all costs in the streamline.
"I can" and I'll be utilizing a few new ways in my "canning" process.
After I wrote this I went to FB feed. A friend shares this youTube... India Arie - Beautiful Flower
Letting go, so "I can"!...
"just sayin' "
Monday, August 10, 2009
Time Management
Time management. Those are a couple of power packed words that I find to be rather intimidating. Couple the concept with OCD and memory problems and you have, well, I have no time management that is working for me... yet.
Once again identifying the tools is key. Someone was generous enough to give me a PDA they aren't using. I am thrilled, and have yet to remember that I have it and can sit down and get it set up.
Monday TO DO: Set Up PDA
Oh, I just remembered that back about a month ago my speech therapist recommended the book
Brain on a String-and Ways to Stay Organized when your Mind Isn't, by P.J. Long.
Pause now!
It has been ordered as of Monday, August 10, 2009 at 8:33 A.M.
This part of my work for this morning is completed.
.....
Friday, August 7, 2009
The Swamps
When drudging through the swamps, sometimes croaking seems the most appropriate. Croaking as in the "sound" of course. Next swamp step must take me quickly back on course with the philosophy of "what do you want?"It's okay to have that first "croaking" expression. It allows the frustration residue out of the body allowing me to move forward. Pretending that I never get frustrated, well let's just say it creates a build up resentment and not where I truly want to be!
Having a number of situations change recently, where things are out my reach, it's a bit of a croaking season. And then just when I'm certain I will never find my way out of the swamp, voila! Good things happen. There is that inner struggle at times that says "yeah, but". Those are the very moments where opportunity presents itself to say YES! to where I want to be headed and I propel the warts of my negative thoughts into leaping towards movements that will lead me to the isle of refuge from the swamp.
The beauty of gifts and blessings is that I find that there need not be an "isle" in the swamp, there truly is solid ground on the other side. It's a gift to plant on solid earth, entering the other side into "living green".
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Day of Glorious Gratitude
I lift up today with gratitude. For the partnership with my service dog, for the gifts she has given me, for the blessings she has brought me.
Gifts:
Making me smile and laugh, teaching me to play, Assisting with dressing, retrieving items, alerting to medical conditions, providing balance both physical and otherwise, the list grows with each moment - always has and always will.
Blessings:
Teaching me to train and teach, Teaching me to give and receive, Teaching me Responsibility, Teaching me to look beyond myself, the gift of every present moment, the list grows with each moment - always has and always will.
I lift up today with gratitude to all who have been a part of the village that was necessary for us to train as a service dog team. It truly has taken a village. The whole concept of community has been what has allowed us to flourish as a partnership.
Thanks village members, all of you! Online Groups, trainers, authors, DVD creators, mentors, people in the store, people on public transportation, LIFT drivers, people we pass on the street, people who have invited us to present to them, family, friends, volunteers, physicians, clients, other canines.
Thanks to the school of "the whole wide world" we have learned and grown together. Even the presence of flowers, trees, vehicles, bugs, airplanes, signs, fire hydrants, water, rain, wind... all that life presents is a piece of the journey of training to work together.
Truly it has taken a village to raise our team, and gratitude to all for the gifts and the blessings!
Saturday, August 1, 2009
On Learning Financial Wisdom
In a current study program I have been learning about "business". Learning leadership value, target market groups and their needs and preferences, it is a true challenge for me to "buy into" most of the concepts there.
I recently read about the situation of a woman I've connected with in the past, who has given to many people, and yet finds herself in a position of being without the basic needs for herself and service dog(s). It's a sad life story that moves many of us to anger and frustration and rings of injustice.
On a number of points, I realize this could so easily be myself. Having been used to living at poverty level, and coming from a state of mind, or a belief that there is no way for it to be different, I am beginning to get a grasp on how I have the opportunity here to learn to bring myself into a more successful state of being able to help others without risking my own health.
How many times have I heard "If you don't take care of yourself, how can you help others?" I have to admit that for me, having funds or even adequate funds seems almost evil. Why is it that this has become a "given" for me and almost a virtue to have nothing and be of service. It seems admirable at some level. While at the same time is excruciatingly painful. In fact at times it can give me that sense that I am "worth nothing".
It seems that those of us with some skills can learn to some how find a way to use these skills in ways that can produce the needs so that we can continue to be of benefit to others and to ourselves, without it being deemed selfish. Having been raised with the concept of "selflessness" is something that I prided myself in. While at the same time it is a philosophy that has kept me in great consternation regarding my own survival.
Also within my experience, and in discussions with various people at different times, there is an awareness that having repeatedly been in positions of not having enough, when there are resources, there is frequently a lack of understanding of how to best use those resources. It's the very way of living with "never enough" that at times keeps me in a pattern of behaviors that perpetuate not meeting my own needs. Those behaviors further sabotage my wellness and wholeness.
I'm not sure where this is all headed in terms of me looking at things from a totally different perspective. I do think that I am ready to look at the possibility, or rather the goal, to learn financial wisdom.
I too am on disability and there are rules built into this system that keeps many of us in the belief that if I can't do "all" for myself financially, I am better off doing nothing.
I realize that this will take some strategic planning that I am not certain how to create or implement. I will need to learn how it can come to fruition to be able to have the resources to take better care of myself and my service dog. As I work through it my goal is to continue to share this, as there are so many people in this very same cycle.
It is also important that whatever strategy I use, will not of itself be yet further demanding of my body, and that does include my brain!
Thank you to my friends and supporters who do what they can to keep me moving. What I would love to do is pick the brains of those who have found the wisdom to make this work. If that would be you, please contact me!
It will be a interesting walk to be seeking with an open mind learning more from those I encounter. Looking to those who are a part of my life and are successful at being able to care for themselves and their needs is key as well, as I am gifted to be surrounded by those that have the "hearts and spirits of givers".
Today I ask myself, "is poverty a virtue that is working for you, Mara?" A good portion of my lack of wellness in body and spirit is a direct result of not having the funds to take optimum care of myself or have the resources to access the treatments and other tools that lead to a better equipped body. Being in this position for long periods I believe has the potential to create within a person two beliefs, either "there is no other way" or "I will and must change this!"
Having been homeless and without the basic needs for more time in my life than I want to go back and review, I am adding to my journey of wellness and wholeness to include gaining the wisdom that is necessary to acquire what is needed for me to care for myself, allowing me to have more resources to assist others. Those resources are definitely beyond financial resources. Having the resource of being "well enough" to assist others is vital at this point.
I'll stop for today with what I wrote to my instructor yesterday...
"I have to admit that while the Business Lesson is the most challenging for me...., it is also very empowering. As I realize that I really do need an income to give my service dog the added health support as she ages. I love that I can give to people, and at the same time, self care and care for those in my care need to come first in order for giving to be at an optimum, so I'm working on that part now. And I'll have to put a push on it for her sake.
I think that it's important to be proactive, so I do want to look at the possibilities of having some funds to do the care for us that will provide the greatest wellness for ourselves and others. This is a huge stretch for me, who is used to living in poverty. Interesting concept that I am beginning to relish the thought of.
You have to have something in order to have anything to give away."
I recently read about the situation of a woman I've connected with in the past, who has given to many people, and yet finds herself in a position of being without the basic needs for herself and service dog(s). It's a sad life story that moves many of us to anger and frustration and rings of injustice.
On a number of points, I realize this could so easily be myself. Having been used to living at poverty level, and coming from a state of mind, or a belief that there is no way for it to be different, I am beginning to get a grasp on how I have the opportunity here to learn to bring myself into a more successful state of being able to help others without risking my own health.
How many times have I heard "If you don't take care of yourself, how can you help others?" I have to admit that for me, having funds or even adequate funds seems almost evil. Why is it that this has become a "given" for me and almost a virtue to have nothing and be of service. It seems admirable at some level. While at the same time is excruciatingly painful. In fact at times it can give me that sense that I am "worth nothing".
It seems that those of us with some skills can learn to some how find a way to use these skills in ways that can produce the needs so that we can continue to be of benefit to others and to ourselves, without it being deemed selfish. Having been raised with the concept of "selflessness" is something that I prided myself in. While at the same time it is a philosophy that has kept me in great consternation regarding my own survival.
Also within my experience, and in discussions with various people at different times, there is an awareness that having repeatedly been in positions of not having enough, when there are resources, there is frequently a lack of understanding of how to best use those resources. It's the very way of living with "never enough" that at times keeps me in a pattern of behaviors that perpetuate not meeting my own needs. Those behaviors further sabotage my wellness and wholeness.
I'm not sure where this is all headed in terms of me looking at things from a totally different perspective. I do think that I am ready to look at the possibility, or rather the goal, to learn financial wisdom.
I too am on disability and there are rules built into this system that keeps many of us in the belief that if I can't do "all" for myself financially, I am better off doing nothing.
I realize that this will take some strategic planning that I am not certain how to create or implement. I will need to learn how it can come to fruition to be able to have the resources to take better care of myself and my service dog. As I work through it my goal is to continue to share this, as there are so many people in this very same cycle.
It is also important that whatever strategy I use, will not of itself be yet further demanding of my body, and that does include my brain!
Thank you to my friends and supporters who do what they can to keep me moving. What I would love to do is pick the brains of those who have found the wisdom to make this work. If that would be you, please contact me!
It will be a interesting walk to be seeking with an open mind learning more from those I encounter. Looking to those who are a part of my life and are successful at being able to care for themselves and their needs is key as well, as I am gifted to be surrounded by those that have the "hearts and spirits of givers".
Today I ask myself, "is poverty a virtue that is working for you, Mara?" A good portion of my lack of wellness in body and spirit is a direct result of not having the funds to take optimum care of myself or have the resources to access the treatments and other tools that lead to a better equipped body. Being in this position for long periods I believe has the potential to create within a person two beliefs, either "there is no other way" or "I will and must change this!"
Having been homeless and without the basic needs for more time in my life than I want to go back and review, I am adding to my journey of wellness and wholeness to include gaining the wisdom that is necessary to acquire what is needed for me to care for myself, allowing me to have more resources to assist others. Those resources are definitely beyond financial resources. Having the resource of being "well enough" to assist others is vital at this point.
I'll stop for today with what I wrote to my instructor yesterday...
"I have to admit that while the Business Lesson is the most challenging for me...., it is also very empowering. As I realize that I really do need an income to give my service dog the added health support as she ages. I love that I can give to people, and at the same time, self care and care for those in my care need to come first in order for giving to be at an optimum, so I'm working on that part now. And I'll have to put a push on it for her sake.
I think that it's important to be proactive, so I do want to look at the possibilities of having some funds to do the care for us that will provide the greatest wellness for ourselves and others. This is a huge stretch for me, who is used to living in poverty. Interesting concept that I am beginning to relish the thought of.
You have to have something in order to have anything to give away."
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