Making it Easier to Be Green

"It's a sense of "I can" that empowers us to do things that help us expand into the aliveness that is calling every single one of us. If you and I are breathing, life itself is calling to us to expand, to grow, to become, to give, to live fully in this day." ~ Mary Morrissey

I've been fumbling through the week, with a strong spirit and weak body. Spirit saying "I can!" while body's screeching "halt!" Topped today off with a speech therapy session seeming hopeless. Making the decision to go outdoors and wait for the LIFT bus was a wise one. The crispness of the air helped to connect my spirit and body in a needed way.

All of this cognitive stuff is mind boggling. LOL! More and more I am aware that tools are so helpful for my success. Therefore also for the success of the projects I set out to do and the people interactions that are a part of it all.

"A great practice is to simply say ‘up until now I haven't been able to, but starting now I am going to look for ways I can.’" ~Mary Morrissey

ew... ah! "ways I can"... feeling it now.

Been such a struggle with trying to be "normal" .. I know, don't think in terms of "normal", yada yada. However, it can be way too distressing to try to appear that all is fine while sliding into the heap pile.

So the other day I said to a friend, "hey... can I share a little something with you?" and I did. It was a small silly ditty of a challenge of mine, and it let out a huge relief for both of us! There are some things that are relatively small challenges, however with energy spent trying to cover them up, often 5 things will go awry. So sharing just 3 simple things, we had this truly great conversation about all of these miscommunication between us and spent almost 10 solid minutes in hysterical laughter. What a very simple "way" to say/see I "can"!

Yet in a world where we profess that differences are okay, and then those differences are problematic because they are non-traditional ways of doing things, it creates a quandary. The inner struggle of keeping it all hidden as it seems to be growing, seems so counterproductive. Truly folks.. IT IS HILARIOUS if you can just get over the absurdities!

I'm going to have to let go of the proclaimed acceptances and just be me. It's far too damning and destructive to try to build outward bridges, when the inward ones are crumbling. I know that for some this will be unacceptable, and so be it. There is a certain sense of "professionalism" that must be maintained at all costs in the streamline.

"I can" and I'll be utilizing a few new ways in my "canning" process.

After I wrote this I went to FB feed. A friend shares this youTube... India Arie - Beautiful Flower

Letting go, so "I can"!...
"just sayin' "

Time Management

Time management. Those are a couple of power packed words that I find to be rather intimidating. Couple the concept with OCD and memory problems and you have, well, I have no time management that is working for me... yet.

Once again identifying the tools is key. Someone was generous enough to give me a PDA they aren't using. I am thrilled, and have yet to remember that I have it and can sit down and get it set up.

Monday TO DO: Set Up PDA

Oh, I just remembered that back about a month ago my speech therapist recommended the book
Brain on a String-and Ways to Stay Organized when your Mind Isn't, by P.J. Long.

Pause now!

It has been ordered as of Monday, August 10, 2009 at 8:33 A.M.

This part of my work for this morning is completed.

.....

The Swamps

When drudging through the swamps, sometimes croaking seems the most appropriate. Croaking as in the "sound" of course. Next swamp step must take me quickly back on course with the philosophy of "what do you want?"

It's okay to have that first "croaking" expression. It allows the frustration residue out of the body allowing me to move forward. Pretending that I never get frustrated, well let's just say it creates a build up resentment and not where I truly want to be!

Having a number of situations change recently, where things are out my reach, it's a bit of a croaking season. And then just when I'm certain I will never find my way out of the swamp, voila! Good things happen. There is that inner struggle at times that says "yeah, but". Those are the very moments where opportunity presents itself to say YES! to where I want to be headed and I propel the warts of my negative thoughts into leaping towards movements that will lead me to the isle of refuge from the swamp.

The beauty of gifts and blessings is that I find that there need not be an "isle" in the swamp, there truly is solid ground on the other side. It's a gift to plant on solid earth, entering the other side into "living green".

Day of Glorious Gratitude

I lift up today with gratitude. For the partnership with my service dog, for the gifts she has given me, for the blessings she has brought me.

Gifts:
Making me smile and laugh, teaching me to play, Assisting with dressing, retrieving items, alerting to medical conditions, providing balance both physical and otherwise, the list grows with each moment - always has and always will.

Blessings:
Teaching me to train and teach, Teaching me to give and receive, Teaching me Responsibility, Teaching me to look beyond myself, the gift of every present moment, the list grows with each moment - always has and always will.

I lift up today with gratitude to all who have been a part of the village that was necessary for us to train as a service dog team. It truly has taken a village. The whole concept of community has been what has allowed us to flourish as a partnership.

Thanks village members, all of you! Online Groups, trainers, authors, DVD creators, mentors, people in the store, people on public transportation, LIFT drivers, people we pass on the street, people who have invited us to present to them, family, friends, volunteers, physicians, clients, other canines.

Thanks to the school of "the whole wide world" we have learned and grown together. Even the presence of flowers, trees, vehicles, bugs, airplanes, signs, fire hydrants, water, rain, wind... all that life presents is a piece of the journey of training to work together.

Truly it has taken a village to raise our team, and gratitude to all for the gifts and the blessings!

On Learning Financial Wisdom

In a current study program I have been learning about "business". Learning leadership value, target market groups and their needs and preferences, it is a true challenge for me to "buy into" most of the concepts there.

I recently read about the situation of a woman I've connected with in the past, who has given to many people, and yet finds herself in a position of being without the basic needs for herself and service dog(s). It's a sad life story that moves many of us to anger and frustration and rings of injustice.

On a number of points, I realize this could so easily be myself. Having been used to living at poverty level, and coming from a state of mind, or a belief that there is no way for it to be different, I am beginning to get a grasp on how I have the opportunity here to learn to bring myself into a more successful state of being able to help others without risking my own health.

How many times have I heard "If you don't take care of yourself, how can you help others?" I have to admit that for me, having funds or even adequate funds seems almost evil. Why is it that this has become a "given" for me and almost a virtue to have nothing and be of service. It seems admirable at some level. While at the same time is excruciatingly painful. In fact at times it can give me that sense that I am "worth nothing".

It seems that those of us with some skills can learn to some how find a way to use these skills in ways that can produce the needs so that we can continue to be of benefit to others and to ourselves, without it being deemed selfish. Having been raised with the concept of "selflessness" is something that I prided myself in. While at the same time it is a philosophy that has kept me in great consternation regarding my own survival.

Also within my experience, and in discussions with various people at different times, there is an awareness that having repeatedly been in positions of not having enough, when there are resources, there is frequently a lack of understanding of how to best use those resources. It's the very way of living with "never enough" that at times keeps me in a pattern of behaviors that perpetuate not meeting my own needs. Those behaviors further sabotage my wellness and wholeness.

I'm not sure where this is all headed in terms of me looking at things from a totally different perspective. I do think that I am ready to look at the possibility, or rather the goal, to learn financial wisdom.

I too am on disability and there are rules built into this system that keeps many of us in the belief that if I can't do "all" for myself financially, I am better off doing nothing.

I realize that this will take some strategic planning that I am not certain how to create or implement. I will need to learn how it can come to fruition to be able to have the resources to take better care of myself and my service dog. As I work through it my goal is to continue to share this, as there are so many people in this very same cycle.

It is also important that whatever strategy I use, will not of itself be yet further demanding of my body, and that does include my brain!

Thank you to my friends and supporters who do what they can to keep me moving. What I would love to do is pick the brains of those who have found the wisdom to make this work. If that would be you, please contact me!

It will be a interesting walk to be seeking with an open mind learning more from those I encounter. Looking to those who are a part of my life and are successful at being able to care for themselves and their needs is key as well, as I am gifted to be surrounded by those that have the "hearts and spirits of givers".

Today I ask myself, "is poverty a virtue that is working for you, Mara?" A good portion of my lack of wellness in body and spirit is a direct result of not having the funds to take optimum care of myself or have the resources to access the treatments and other tools that lead to a better equipped body. Being in this position for long periods I believe has the potential to create within a person two beliefs, either "there is no other way" or "I will and must change this!"

Having been homeless and without the basic needs for more time in my life than I want to go back and review, I am adding to my journey of wellness and wholeness to include gaining the wisdom that is necessary to acquire what is needed for me to care for myself, allowing me to have more resources to assist others. Those resources are definitely beyond financial resources. Having the resource of being "well enough" to assist others is vital at this point.

I'll stop for today with what I wrote to my instructor yesterday...

"I have to admit that while the Business Lesson is the most challenging for me...., it is also very empowering. As I realize that I really do need an income to give my service dog the added health support as she ages. I love that I can give to people, and at the same time, self care and care for those in my care need to come first in order for giving to be at an optimum, so I'm working on that part now. And I'll have to put a push on it for her sake.

I think that it's important to be proactive, so I do want to look at the possibilities of having some funds to do the care for us that will provide the greatest wellness for ourselves and others. This is a huge stretch for me, who is used to living in poverty. Interesting concept that I am beginning to relish the thought of.

You have to have something in order to have anything to give away."

Children are Teachers!

An interesting bus ride this morning.

"I love your neck-a-lus! Mommy can I get one of those?" said the little girl with enthusiasm.

Adults are so often embarrassed and seem to not know what to do when children comment about or talk to other people about things that adults think are taboo topics.

Many adults will look all around my neck in a circular motion, while holding their own neck as they talk to me, it's quite an amusing visual dance of discomfort for many people.

Children on the other hand: look, point, ask, comment, use the trach as an "I spy something white" game, the skies the limit!

The mother today was obviously uncomfortable. Not sure what to say, she focused on the purple color of my speaking valve and said it was her daughter's favorite color. She spoke in circles with her daughter trying to say in every imaginable way possible, that it's not the kind of necklace you would "want". Okay, yes, sweat was dripping off her forehead.

Since I was near the end of my ride and didn't have time for a long conversation which could have been fun and educational, I simply settled for the best I could think of for both of their comfort...

"well I'm not sure you could afford one. They are pretty expensive!"

Awe.... children... the best teachers in the biggest free school of all... "life".

Because I Can!

Yes, this is a weigh in I could definitely do. Why would I want to? Because I can!

So why in the world on the hottest day of the year at a record 105 degrees would I go and work out with a personal trainer? Because I Can!

So many things are about what I can't do and I went in with my personal goals in mind, practiced saying them and the results are outstanding! I have tried doing this before countless times with people determined that they are going to not only have me moving out of my chair, they are going to make me into twiggy in a year.

I'm sticking with my mantra: "What do you want?" And this is exactly the strategy I used every time the sales pitch got a bit over the top for me to take in. It worked! Thanks Karen Pryor, author of "Dont' Shoot the Dog". Every single time the trainer referred to my goals, I rejoiced! Any time she used her own mantra, I was "grateful for every movement that my body made".

And what I want is:

1. To do what I can with what I have.
2. To build any strength that I can.
3. To be grateful and marvel with joy in every movement that my body makes!
4. To do it for myself instead of the praise and lectures of others.
5. To do it because I Can!

It's a good feeling to have made it thru the first often intimidating hurdle of going to a health club. To keep smiling and to be free from the impulse of "exiting" at attempts to shock me into what will happen .. "if you don't!". Very simple, repeating, "I am here to do what I can with what I have, because I CAN!"

So, if someone says (referring to exercises and/or equipment) "I wouldn't use that one" or "you can't or shouldn't use that one" I simply reply with "and what I will use is... what I can, because I can!"

Very simple. Very direct. Very Successful!

Kudos to the personal trainer for being able to be a great teacher, compassionately and letting my goals be mine.

Graceful Exits

Sometimes there are situations that can be toxic to wellness, or to the journey. At least this has been my experience. Exits, as most transitions can be so difficult.

Recently finding myself in an unexpected meet up with someone, I immediately identified that is wasn't the best place for me to be at that time. Truly, there was nothing "wrong" with the conversation per se, however with the topic being a controversial trigger point I needed a quick escape. An abrupt "Oh, I have to catch my bus!" and I scuttled off. While I will admit it was extremely abrupt, it was a step in the direction of how I'd like to deal with such encounters.

My goal: to be able to find ways to redirect conversation when and where appropriate if they are too challenging, or be able to find ways to excuse myself gracefully without disruption to the conversation for others or to the relationship with the person if it is with just one other person.

Careful strategies and "mindful role playing" are usually my best tools for building a plan for success when it comes to trying to change my impulse or reaction in situations with people. I am setting out to build this over the coming few days.

"Mindful role playing". And what is that? My description is playing over and over in my mind how I envision the goal, and playing the road to that goal over in my mind. It is one way that I've been able to build success quite effectively.

My first encounter of being able to use this as a strategy has stuck with me since the age of about 17 or 18.

While the following strategy worked for me, I DO NOT recommend it be used for this type of learning! You'll see why.

I was desperately wanting to get my drivers license. I had really only been out practicing with my mother a couple of dozen times at the most. It was a trying experience for her as well as myself and then sessions often ended up in duel of frustration. Every morning and every night, I would lay in bed and picture myself doing everything necessary to be a good driver.
Looking in rear view mirror
Practicing smooth braking
Looking around while keeping my hands still on the wheel
Watching other cars and drivers
Looking at crosswalks
Looking for pedestrians when pulling out driveways
Everything I could think of and more.

Every time I was a passenger in a car I constantly played over in my mind...
I would start to stop now
I see that.... object, animal, pedestrian, bicycle, etc.
I looked up repeatedly to my right even if there was no mirror there
I often chose to sit behind the driver so I could practice looking in the rear view mirror

My mother agreed to take me to motor vehicles division for my test. I think she was certain I would never pass. This was in the 70's so there were no where near as many requirements for taking the test at that time.

I passed missing only one item. I was thrilled. Fortunately I was a person of extreme caution. I then proceeded with my real-life practice. YIKES when I think of how this could have gone terribly dangerous.

Back to the reason it stands out so clearly, it allowed me that early experience in my life to realize that I could use my mind to build the skills needed to affect the outcome of something as well as to enhance my chances of success. I often thought about this over the years, and now it has come as a critical tool for some of the things I use on my journey.

Visualized practice for the mind to be prepared, and TAGteach for the body to be prepared.

One of my favorite current quotes "Start enjoying the walk down the street instead of living for what's around the corner"...

The "journey" has often seemed the most horrendous part, so I focus on where I want to be. The true question on anything we do is "is it working for me". The answer is not really. So I am learning to be present to the journey, embrace it, and allow it to be a teacher to myself and others.

"Around the corner" has stayed just that... around the corner. For myself, basking in the journey, embracing it and learning to enjoy it is allowing me to see around many corners.

The journey offers and allows me success in seeing many corners turned.

Through this journey, I am seeing my exits become more and more graceful and will visit this aspect frequently. I too often "see" myself with only the visual of my size, visible limitations and non-attractiveness.
Being a very large person has led to many negative experiences, outwardly and inwardly. However, being large has never diminished the "dancer" that I've always seen in myself. More on that another day.

I find I am starting to "see" some of the wonderful qualities that are piece of my being. The essence of my being, actually is quite attractive if I can allow it out and about for myself and others to experience. Sometimes I really need the visual. I've never been or felt to be a visually attractive person. I look back on photos and actually see in a number of them they are at least pleasant to look at. I'm putting one here, for myself.

The journey is good, and to exit gracefully for right now, I'll see you soon. I'm headed off to visualize more ways to be graceful in exits and transitions.

Just Keep Learning

Do I have to keep learning? Just when I think: "hey! I can do this!"

POW.. right in the neck!

Today, the trach is not my best friend. I try to refrain from griping, however some days are so darn frustrating that I just have to get it out of my system.

Days like today create a monster in me when the phone rings. I so wish that talking was once again an enjoyable thing! Sometimes it is, I just love those rare days when I can talk to people and just not think a thing about it! When I can focus on the person and the conversation.

Today is one of those... hacking, spewing, burning, "geez this is painful!" days. I am really grateful that every day isn't like this, I do have to admit though, that these days are VERY difficult "just to be" days.
I have so many things I so want to do and enjoy! It's a beautiful day outside and I want to smile and go out and just LIVE and Be!

On days like today, the air seems to be the arch-enemy. To move feels like gasping and all of the natural-ness of just "being" seems gone. It's a struggle. I know... so many say don't focus on it. And I try not to. How in the world can I "be" and "do" and enjoy the new life I truly do love when the very simple act of a "breath" is shear torture.

Yes, I'm aware that millions of people have trachs and live fine and normal lives. I read it, I hear it and I am so glad. I would like to know, just how to have this aparatus be considered my best friend, on these days. I would love to answer a simple question in a cheery upbeat voice! I would love to love!

Days like today are my setback days, or have been traditionally when I cannot seem to accomplish things because it's just so darn painful to "be"!

It's okay Mara. You are still a fabulous person. You are here writing and knowing that this is not every day and every moment. It is but one single blip in life that is painful, physically and emotionally. And you keep learning through it. You believe in the essence of learning and of being a teacher. And it is your ability to still write, when your mind is screaming and the drainage from your trach is like a sobbing heart.

You are still a phenomenal, caring person.

yes.. I am going to go and brush Freely until the dog fur flies off of the trach filter into the air, which I cannot breathe.

Fur is good. It is far thicker than smoke at a bus stop and doesn't wiggle it's way into my lungs.

yipee for dog fur!

Hang on Freely.. here I come!

I can't believe I did this! My first public "trach" photo after 19 months of being trached! I am so brave! Now wait, before you say.. "that's terrible"... for me it is letting go of shame! It's fabulous!

I Just Keep Learning!

In Action

Today is a day of action! There are medical appointments, organizational deadlines and an important meeting to present at this evening. In another day and time, this may have been a very traumatic morning of preparation. For today I am basking in clarity and focus.

Of course, this is amidst the ongoing challenges of short term memory loss, single task mode, and a host of health conditions that are still dragging me down. The SUCCESS is in finding ways that allow it all to come together despite it all.

It's working! I have a number of things I've identified that allow me to move methodically, in a relaxed manner and stay free from the frantic panic. The components I'm using are...

Health First...

Cleanse the body with consistent oxygen...

breathe
drink water
breathe
drink water
I am so astounded at just how important this is! When I miss either of these components, it all falls apart!

Provide nutrition to support the body...

healthful meal planning and sticking with the plan

Then there are all of the other planning components, and the GREATEST of these is care of the body to support doing anything else!

Yesterday was fabulous! Severe sound sensitivity made a family gathering challenging. Despite that I was able to spend hours of organizing a huge amount of items and boxes and all the while, keeping the focus on each item to keep clear from looking at everything simultaneously avoiding a huge potential overwhelm.

You know you're working it when others start to be amazed at your ability to move on.
NOTE: I said "move on", not "press on". This is so NOT about pushing through the pain.

It's about awareness and mindfulness.

in Awe....

I A.M.

I = Awareness and Mindfulness

Revisiting the "Revise"

It's never too late--
in fiction or in life--
to revise.

- Nancy Thayer, author

How true is that? !

Today is a big day of transition. It's wonderful to look forward to it with enthusiasm for what will be rather than what no longer is.

Revision can be so invigorating and vital for positive living.

Revise to Revitalize!

A Re-Orienting Behavior

"To The Hand" is a target to the handler's open hand palm. This is a behavior that is great for that unexpected high distraction. In response to the cue, the dog whips around towards the handler in search of the open hand. It's a nice tool to have in the box.

It's also a great metaphor...
Encompassing life goals to

get on target and
stay on target and
re-orient to focus on
health and wellness!

The Present Moment: A Gift

Great creatures big and small! They truly are a gift. Was blessed with help from a friend with organizing projects yesterday and that was fabulous. I have to say that a living room filled with dog toys and items is quite a distraction even for a service dog!

Today's focus is "in the moment". With each step, however great or small, I strive to be present. Free from the "done it's" and "to do's". Just the "now".

The "done it's" are all taken care of and the "to do's" will come in their time of planning. It's important to cherish each moment and it's gifts, even if they come in challenges at times.

I am very thankful for all of the opportunities presenting themselves, including those that previously I would have walked away from. Although I have assisted others in putting together their list of accommodation needs, I've never done it for myself. With the help of a rehab therapist I have been able to do that and now am continuing with a training that I am so passionate about! I am so blessed to have the instructor be someone patient and open to working this through for success.

For today:

Smile at the world and if it feels impossible,
just open wide and grip a ball,
that will keep you smiling!

Begin Each Day Anew In Peace

I am contemplating on a quote this morning and the callig piece I did of it years ago. I am thinking it might have been Dag Hammarskjold's quote, however I am not positive. It's refreshing to experience renewed peace, especially at the start of a day.

This morning's experience is one of calm purposefulness. The "to do's" to the right, the "it's done's" to the left and lined up perfectly in the center is "It Is".

My Goal Topic of today is to balance accomplishments. Between being present with myself and others through teaching - myself, my canine partner, and another team in training.
First goal accomplished! Starting the day with silence, doing, self-care, writing and "breathing" throughout the day.

May we all begin this day anew in peace!

Visual Distractions

Way too much visual distraction for me this morning! Hardly seems like a gift or a blessing!

So, how do I fix it? I had to ask for help this morning. As much as I try not to, sometimes I find that it is best for myself and those around me if I ask for 10 minutes of help so that things can turn around quickly for us all.

When asking for help, it's important to assess:
Can I do this alone?
If I do this alone, will it help the desired outcome?

The blessing is in taking the time to assess, and to answer truthfully.
The gift is in being able to do the task at hand myself and equally a gift is receiving the help.

Did I do this gracefully this morning? It was not clear to me at all how I could change the frustration....it's okay Mara, it's Just a Behavior.

This is the importance of writing about Gifts and Blessings.
Identify blessings.
Identify gifts.
Finding solutions that allow for the gratitude of accepting them both.
Assessment is key in resolving visual over-stimulation for me.

Click Mara!
Now for the treat of a nice stroll out in the open air and allowing the wind to bathe my face and hair, the green spectrum to wash away any tension left overs.
Visual calmness in nature, going to a nearby assisted living where they have beautiful plants, ponds, greenery.

Awe, I am now free to be glad for this day!

Today?
A Gift and a Blessing.

Pondering: To Do Lists

Years of "To Do" lists. They are everywhere!

So the first thing I set out "to do" this morning is make my "it's done!" list. I realize that the visual message I send to myself with all of these lists is DO.. Mara DO, do more, there's a lot to do and if you were successful you would get ALL of your "to do's" completed!

Urgent pause....

If success is completing all of the "to do's" and there are "to do's" every day, then every day, my page looks unsuccessful. And the reality is that I DO accomplish things. And I could accomplish more if I spent more time "doing" AND taking breaks and resting if I spent a little less time Creating and Reading those "TO DOs".

I now have a 2 column page. Column 1 is the IT'S DONE list and column 2 is the TO DO list.

So far in 2 hours I've completed more IT'S DONES than TO DOs. Sidetracked? Not really. I found that there were smaller tasks that needed to be done to accomplish the larger ones.

I AM Successful and more content with my day so far.

Because...
I am I work I can I work I do I work I will I work I rest I am

And the greatest of these is the first and the last.