Just Keep Learning

Do I have to keep learning? Just when I think: "hey! I can do this!"

POW.. right in the neck!

Today, the trach is not my best friend. I try to refrain from griping, however some days are so darn frustrating that I just have to get it out of my system.

Days like today create a monster in me when the phone rings. I so wish that talking was once again an enjoyable thing! Sometimes it is, I just love those rare days when I can talk to people and just not think a thing about it! When I can focus on the person and the conversation.

Today is one of those... hacking, spewing, burning, "geez this is painful!" days. I am really grateful that every day isn't like this, I do have to admit though, that these days are VERY difficult "just to be" days.
I have so many things I so want to do and enjoy! It's a beautiful day outside and I want to smile and go out and just LIVE and Be!

On days like today, the air seems to be the arch-enemy. To move feels like gasping and all of the natural-ness of just "being" seems gone. It's a struggle. I know... so many say don't focus on it. And I try not to. How in the world can I "be" and "do" and enjoy the new life I truly do love when the very simple act of a "breath" is shear torture.

Yes, I'm aware that millions of people have trachs and live fine and normal lives. I read it, I hear it and I am so glad. I would like to know, just how to have this aparatus be considered my best friend, on these days. I would love to answer a simple question in a cheery upbeat voice! I would love to love!

Days like today are my setback days, or have been traditionally when I cannot seem to accomplish things because it's just so darn painful to "be"!

It's okay Mara. You are still a fabulous person. You are here writing and knowing that this is not every day and every moment. It is but one single blip in life that is painful, physically and emotionally. And you keep learning through it. You believe in the essence of learning and of being a teacher. And it is your ability to still write, when your mind is screaming and the drainage from your trach is like a sobbing heart.

You are still a phenomenal, caring person.

yes.. I am going to go and brush Freely until the dog fur flies off of the trach filter into the air, which I cannot breathe.

Fur is good. It is far thicker than smoke at a bus stop and doesn't wiggle it's way into my lungs.

yipee for dog fur!

Hang on Freely.. here I come!

I can't believe I did this! My first public "trach" photo after 19 months of being trached! I am so brave! Now wait, before you say.. "that's terrible"... for me it is letting go of shame! It's fabulous!

I Just Keep Learning!